Keep the Peace: Sibling Harmony in Caregiving
When family members step in to care for aging parents, tensions and resentments can arise. Every family is different, with unique abilities, locations, and challenges. What are some ways to minimize these conflicts?
Quite often, one child lives much closer to the parent than the other siblings. From a logistical standpoint, this makes sense—they are the most available to assist quickly. While this arrangement seems practical, challenges can emerge as the parent’s condition deteriorates.
Understanding the Root of Conflict
The family members who do not see the parent daily may assume the parent is in the same condition as when they last saw them. Seniors often downplay their struggles, both to themselves and others, particularly when most communication happens over the phone.
A common issue arises when distant siblings doubt the local sibling’s reports about the parent's decline. Meanwhile, the local sibling is investing more and more time in caregiving. As their responsibilities increase, they may struggle to keep up with their own obligations. If the other siblings do not fully recognize the time and effort required, resentment can grow.
In some families, daughters are expected to be the primary caregivers. However, these daughters may have families of their own, with children who also require their time and attention. This can lead to caregiver burnout, making it even more critical for siblings to share responsibilities.
The Need for Respite Care
The local sibling or designated caregiver will need breaks from the constant demands of caregiving. If other family members cannot step in temporarily, there are respite care programs available through Senior Living Communities, certain health plans, and private caregiving agencies.
Sometimes, distant siblings may not fully grasp the exhaustion the primary caregiver is experiencing. They may also be unaware of the full extent of the parent’s needs, especially if the parent appears fine during short visits or brief phone calls.
Assessing the Parent’s True Needs
Disagreements often arise over the level of care a parent requires. This can be due to varying visit frequencies or differing interpretations of medical and mental conditions. Many seniors can appear fine for short periods, even in front of doctors, which can cause confusion about their actual state.
Fortunately, evaluation programs are available at many medical facilities. For example, in San Pedro, California, Little Company of Mary offers a dementia evaluation procedure that provides an unbiased assessment of a senior’s cognitive state. Similar testing is available nationwide and can be especially helpful when there are disagreements between the parent and their adult children about the severity of the situation. Seeking a second medical opinion can also clarify any uncertainty.
Preventing Resentment: Steps for Sibling Cooperation
To reduce conflicts and foster cooperation, families should consider the following:
- Set Realistic Expectations: Before committing to being the primary caregiver, determine how much time and energy can consistently be devoted. If the parent’s needs exceed this, alternative arrangements should be made.
- Plan Respite Care in Advance: Siblings who are not primary caregivers should schedule visits and provide relief for at least one week every six months.
- Maintain Open Communication: Keeping all siblings informed about the parent's condition is crucial. One effective method is using a shared Google document to track daily care notes, doctor reports, and medical updates. Including photos of wounds or other concerns can also help ensure everyone stays informed.
- Divide Responsibilities Beyond Direct Care: Some siblings may be uncomfortable with medical tasks but can still contribute in other ways, such as handling groceries, laundry, home safety improvements, or yard work. Distant siblings could also provide financial support for these services.
- Utilize Community Resources: Many areas have volunteer programs (often called Villages) that assist families with basic tasks.
- Seek Professional Assessments: Take advantage of mental acuity testing and seek second medical opinions when necessary.
- Leverage Local Support Programs: Services like Meals on Wheels provide meals while also performing wellness checks—if a senior does not answer the door, emergency services are contacted.
- Consult a Social Worker: Many low-cost or free programs exist to support seniors; a local social worker can help identify available resources.
- Prioritize Family Relationships: Above all, remember to treat each other with kindness and understanding. Listen carefully to one another and work together to find solutions.
By fostering cooperation and maintaining open communication, families can navigate caregiving challenges while preserving sibling harmony.